Holding on and letting go

Being an introverted immigrant, I am quite an expert at letting people go. It is not always a painful thing to do, but most of the time, it is quite difficult.

“You can’t save someone who does not want your help”

The first time I gave up on somebody was in grade eighth. She was my best friend, but, at one point, our paths stopped heading in the same direction. It was not her fault, but the fault of all the adults in her life who failed to see her cry for help. I remembered screaming at the teachers and asking my parents why no one saw my friend struggling, why no one cared about her whereabouts, her safety. No one, other than me and a handful of classmates - a bunch of teenagers who did not truly realise the danger we were about to head in.

When my friend was declared missing, I cried to my mom. My friend was not missing, I knew exactly where she was. Everyone did. It was in a dangerous part of the city, the location alone was enough of an implication of what happened to her. The last message she sent me was: “Don’t follow me, I’m okay.”

“You can’t save someone who does not want your help,” my mom said.

The fight against a lost cause

It took a couple of years until my mom’s words resonated with me. Since then, more than a handful of people whom I used to hold dear had become distant memories. Some of them walked out of my life and some I decided to let go. I have learned to accept that sometimes, letting someone go is the best thing to do for both parties.

It is difficult, isn't it, to let someone whom you loved so much go? People tend to fight for lost memories, trying to hold on to the fading image of someone they used to love. That fight is a lost cause and it will only hurt you more.

What I have learned, and everyone should also learn, is that people change. We grow, we experience life in various ways, and we change - the circle of life. You are not the same you of two years ago. So why should you demand someone to stay the same for you? Of course, you can ask them nicely, on the condition that you too accept and love the new person they have grown to be. Then you can grow together.

Holding on or Letting go?

What if you cannot accept who they have become? What if they cannot accept you either? Do you scream, cry, gaslight, guilt-trip them to remain the same? Do you bend yourself backwards trying to be someone they used to love?

No, you don’t. If you love yourself and you love that person, do not do that. When you realise your life paths have diverged to the point of no return, you slowly let that person go. Slowly, not ghosting. You let them go when your brain still associates their name with the happy memories you two share, instead of the screaming and fighting.

You part way amiably. When you look back, all those years later, there would be no resentment, no regret, and no pain. There would only be gratefulness - for a short while, there was this beautiful human being in your life who had taught you new things, and you two had shared something special.

It makes the last goodbye much less painful.

The cycle of life

But even with that understanding, letting someone go is still not easy. I have countless nights staring at the ceiling, a what if echoing in my head. What if I try a little bit harder? What if this relationship, this friendship is still salvageable?

Well, of course, you can try. This is not a one-size-for-all formula. Only you know how your relationship is and if it has passed the point of no return or not. Just trust your intuition.

Making new friends

What I do know, though, is that letting go at the right time does more good than harm for me. Once I stop deluding myself, I avoid agonising months of trying and failing, bending backwards to be someone for them, to fit into this mould I no longer belong to. It does wonder for my mental health.

No more sleepless nights and puffy eyes. I can move on, go out, laugh, drink, and chat with new people. I would tell them about this special person I used to know, who taught me so many new things. Maybe this encounter would change their life, or maybe my life. Who knows.

And the cycle of life continues.